Part-Time Family Man

Family

A word that brings a lot of emotions to most people. Family being the oldest and ever evolving organisation/institute the world has to offer. Through my years I have been with and away from family due to life choices, dreams and aspirations or simply being sent away for discipline as a child. The reason I am talking about family is because I have spent this long weekend with a lot of family members. As is usually the case at weddings we meet long lost friends, cousins, uncles and aunts. A lot of people you grew up with, spent countless hours playing, fighting, laughing, crying, dreaming and mostly being told off for all of the above. Seeing everybody who have been part of your formative life is a mixed bag of feelings, for me it is always a good feeling. The only slightly bad (if I can call it that) feeling I get is why I don't make an effort to see these wonderful family members more. That seems to be true for all of them, whether its the ones I know or the new additions either born in to our slightly eccentric but loving family or married into it. Either way there is always a feeling of belonging (something I don't have much of anywhere in the world, yet I feel it everywhere too). 

Something a cousin much younger to me said has really made me question myself. I as a person, am always only a phone call away for one and all should they need me. I hope people know that as well as they feel it when they're actually with me.

However once I am away I tend not to call much. The main reason for this being, not wanting to intrude or bother people who have their own busy lives to lead. I am not sure why I feel I might be bothering them as in person I am assured I wouldn't be. Due to this feeling I only see the people I love and care for deeply at either weddings or funerals. I suppose this would be true for most people and a lot of you may actually feel this way too. However something a much younger cousin said to me has really made me wonder about how much effort I really put into being the wonderful family member I think I am perceived to be, if only in my own head. This wonderful little person although now a young adult is my cousin sister who is half my age. When she was even younger I spent time and energy to be a part of her life. I suppose being away from family a lot in my childhood made the bond with her stronger. I moved away after a few years then eventually left the country and this weekend gave me the chance to see my little sister again. The first day I wasn't even sure if she remembered who I was but on the second day as she spoke about when I used to be there and how much fun it was. I was astonished she still remembered all the little fun incidents and games we played. When I remarked I am surprised you remember and how much fun it was, her reply is still ringing in my head two days later on a train journey as I watch the world go by. She agreed it was a lot of fun but why didn't I come back for 8years. 

I have no answer to that question and nothing to blame it on but myself. If I wasn't there in person, I could have called, emailed and I am sure I could have been there more too. I am always pleasantly moved when friends and family call, so why do I feel like I would be intruding or bothering them if I called them. Is it just my way of being lazy, is it just me who feels this way... And why did it take my little sister who really is half my age to make me realise this.

I also met other family members, some of who I have not known for a long time but yet still feel a warm and strong bond with. The one emotion I feel for all people I know is protective.
Another conversation with some other cousins where I confessed I feel we should all see each other more and finally take a step to do that makes me hope I and others reading this (yes you, both of you) will make more of an effort to be part of lives that are interwined with ours through family. If we can hold ourselves together, we maybe able to hold our friends and families together, if our families are together than our societies and the world maybe able to live in peace together. 

Make that call, send that email you really want to, after all you are family.

Or should I wait till tomorrow... yeah maybe... don't want to bother them this late.

Days on Earth

The other day I woke up with the urge to know how many days I have spent on Earth. Now that doesn't mean I have left Earth at any moment, or at least not to my knowledge. I mean from the day I was born. As it was morning I thought I would just google a page which would just solve it for me, rather than figuring it out myself. Being a male I had other important things to figure out, like should I finally get up and urinate or can I hold it longer and increase my stamina to 4 hours. Of course I could. Even as I guy I can multi-task, hold it in while calculating life changing information like how many days I have been on Earth. Yes my male organs and my mind can work simultaneously... Shocked? 

Anyway getting back to the point, I found this site which gave me the exact number... I am not sure what I felt when I saw the figure... Apart from the need to urinate... Having done so, I thought I have come to the point where I am counting my days so to speak. I am not the kind of person to worry about end of life and other such insignificant issues as a human I should maybe think about. However out of control out of mind. Although that's not to say I am either out of control or for that matter, for those that think it, out of my mind. Well not in the sense that your thinking. I strongly believe in living out of your mind. We all view the world within the capacity that our mind allows us to, therefore everybody lives in their mind and that's their version of the world. Not necessarily true, false, good or bad just theirs. Hence to see the real world you need to be out of your mind. As nobody ever discovered anything worthwhile following the crowd, you just end up stepping in their shit. That they so kindly left behind to keep your feet firmly on the ground.

Now that we're clear on that front, let me get back to point. I am not sure why I find it so difficult to just get to the point, maybe because there isn't a singular point in life that can be arrived at without working through the bullshit. Anyway, the point is, that day was my 11,542nd day here amongst you all on Earth. I don't know if that's a lot in the scheme of things, but I realised it is a huge number when I further wondered about the moments in those 11,542 days that define me as a person. Moments that I truly lived as, arguably, God's highest creation in the chain, if u believe that kind of thing. However in 11,542 days my greatest moments can be counted on perhaps using the fingers of one hand... That makes me feel rather sad and pathetic about myself, I had 11,542 opportunities to do some good, ok maybe I can't count the beginning years as I was busy eating, sleeping and shitting. Oh hold on that's not really all that different from the rest of the years apart from having learnt how to clean my own shit up. As a member of the human race that's definitely progress. Still even if I only counted the last say 6000 days, I was only able to recollect perhaps 5 moments where I did something that positively changed some body's life for the better. Yes that's truly something to be ashamed of, lots of u may have more days you can remember being alive and not just another cog. I hope nobody has less, now on my 11,545th day alive I haven't managed to add to the moments that define me as a person. In my remaining days I hope to regain the innocence and freedom to live and love as a human where my compassion will allow others to do the same. 

P.S Now I must really go and urinate.....